What is this?

that's it. i'm done trying to fix these things on my own. i don't really know whether or not total surrender is something i still have to do. i don't know if this is what i've needed. i'm sick of trying to handle life on my own by playing it safe. i've become sick of dealing with the things life has thrown me on my own. and right now i'm sick of being frustrated..........................................................
i'm sick of playing it safe.

God. you are the one who created life and the way it works. you are the one who made me and placed me in this world that you made. i'm tired of saying that i trust you when i don't really know what that means. i've not done a great job of this on my own and i'm tired of coming back again and again to say that this time it's real. i want to find that the relationship everyone talks about is real. that it's more than the words and phrases and facts i've learned about you. i want to know you like i know my friends or family. you promise to be close and to be everything i need. i'm ready to let you prove it.

strip me down to the core of who i am and begin deconstruction of the things i've tried to put in place. the selfishness that holds tight. the shallowness that acts as a lens through which i see your world. the judgement that seems to put me on a pedestal before those around me. Oh God. i don't want to slowly drift from day to day without making meaning of the time i am given. teach me about what really matters, the thing that can fill my soul, heart, lungs, body, and mind. there is more out there because i have seen the emptiness of the alternatives i tried. the silent testimony of the lives of others stands as proof that You make a difference.

christmas is a holiday about remembering the time You sent Your son to earth, to become a human. the point of his incarnation was to teach the world that there is a more fulfilling and complete life. a life past the things the world tells us to try. a life that we were made to live in. You love me that much; that You would give up your only son for me? that you would submit yourself to human bounds and live as we do? God, living like a human would? You suffered a torturous death so that i could be given another chance? teach me about that chance, about that love. transform the heart within me, that is so prone to impatience, judgement, impulsiveness, and insecurity. fill me so that i become a new person. give me a drive to do what it takes to find your heart.