downpour

it rained today. more than i've ever seen it here in california. i don't think that it stopped for more than two hours. and when it rained, it poured. streets didn't have any more curbs; the new rivers were level with the sidewalks that bordered the roads. mudslides are beginning to threaten people's homes and the rainfall is apparently just beginning. news reporters are saying that the storm drains may not be able to hold all the water that is coming, they just weren't built for to the capacity that this storm demands.

a week ago, an earthquake happened. a 7.0 earthquake to be exact. it's epicenter (the center of the quake) happened just ten miles from the center of Haiti's capital. that city was home to 2 million people. prior to the quake, 80% of the country lived in poverty. immediately following the quake, 3 million people were in need of immediate aid. to date, there have been 33 aftershocks, ranging from 4.2 to 5.9. in the country of Haiti, there are no construction standards; buildings, homes, roads, neighborhoods are all built however the architect wants. a modest estimate of 60,000 missing has been put forward.

two weeks earlier, there was another quake in northern california.

two days after the Haitian quake, there was one in southern california.

why am i pointing all this out? it's not a negative angle that i'm coming from, it's just a reminder that i've had. we are not in control. i don't think there is anything we could have done to predict the earthquake, and certainly nothing we could have done to prevent it. before the storms came, southern california had not had significant rain in 25 years i'm told. then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, a storm comes that drenches the region. hearing all of the stories and seeing the flooding, it was a reminder that we are not in control. it seems that way sometimes, when we make work for something or plan something that comes together well. but we are only human. something bigger controls our existence. it allows us to move and breathe. it allows us to live on this earth.

i don't know what purpose all of these things serve but it makes me think about how i live life. do i try to control my own world; or are the reigns in someone else's hand? someone bigger?

Ps. 24:1 "The earth is the Lord's and all that is in it. The world and all it's people are His. For he laid the earth's foundations on the seas and built it on the ocean's depth."

this is all wrong

Robert Bly, from his book Iron John:
"What does it mean when a man falls in love with a radiant face across the room? It may mean that he has some soul work to do. His soul is the issue. Instead of pursuing the woman and trying to get her alone...he needs to go alone himself, perhaps to a mountain cabin, for three months, write poetry, canoe down a river, and dream."

John Eldredge, from his book Wild at Heart:
"...the masculine journey always takes a man away from the woman, in order that he may come back to her with is question answered. A man does not go to a woman to get his strength; he goes to her to offer it. You do not need the woman for you to become a great man, and as a great man you do not need the woman."

i'm beginning to see that we've gotten it all wrong, and i've been guilty of buying into the program. taught to think and behave a certain way, it's really killing men around the world. God, take off the blinders and teach us to see.

i don't know about this

lately, i've been thinking about love. not the type that shows up around valentines, or in wedding rings, or in marriages that last 60 years and beyond. although i think there might be something in that too.
i wonder why we as humans are so drawn to love. our culture is so wrapped around love that we' ve begun to lose sight of what it really is. we are told that there is special someone out there who will be our perfect match, that we'll complement each other and will make each other complete. but is that what really makes us complete? is the love of another person really what makes us complete?
no. i'm beginning to see that it's a different kind of love that makes us complete. the love of a father for his son or daughter. a love that exists only because they are his children. he sees pieces of himself in them. as their father and creator, his love for them envelops them, no matter what they do. it is in this love alone that they will have true peace. there is nothing else that will satisfy them. knowing that he loves them and will care for them, they don't need to try to impress anyone, don't have to try to make it on their own, don't have to worry about the future. he has already promised to be with them through whatever. he loves them.

why is it that the answer to such a complex universe is so simple? love. yet at the same time, it's so hard to understand. a love that is so...perfect. so perfect that we don't need anything else.

God. take this love you offer and transform my heart. help me to understand and to begin to love others.

thoughts on Lewis

faith.: "the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods...that is why faith is such a necessary virtue: unless you teach your moods 'where to get off', you can never be either a sound Christian or a sound athiest but just a creature dithering to and fro, with its beliefs really dependent on the weather and the state of its digestion."

"the first step is to recognise the fact that your moods change. the next is to make sure that, if you have once accepted Christianity, then some of its main doctrines shall be deliberately held before your mind for some time every day."

God. there is so much wisdom in these words. i don't know why i haven't seen it before but there is so much truth in this. my definition of faith, as seen in my life seems to be closely tied to how i'm feeling, how busy i am, the people i'm around, and the health i'm in. this isn't it at all. faith is knowing what i believe, no matter of the circumstances; knowing that God loves me and that He is all that i need. period. it seems so simple yet so overlooked.

and a reminder of what i know and hold as truth every day. of course. to remind my heart and mind about what's really the case; what really matters and what my relationship to God is. doing that everyday would change the way i went about those days.

"the main thing we learn from a serious attempt to practise the Christian virtues is that we fail. If there was any idea that God had set us a sort of exam and that we might get good marks by deserving them, that has to be wiped out...I think everyone who has some vague belief in God, until he becomes a Christian, has the idea of an exam. The first result of real Christianity is to blow that idea to bits...God has been waiting for the moment at which you discover that there is no question of earning a pass mark in this exam or putting Him in your debt."

God. i know this to be all too true in my life. i try to keep these "christian virtues" but it is useless. i fail every time, sooner or later. but that doesn't matter. THAT DOESN'T MATTER. you love me no matter what i do, no matter what i fail at, no matter what. your love is unconditional and it hinges not on deserving or not deserving it. it is a fact of reality.

(thank you Mr. Lewis)

What is this?

that's it. i'm done trying to fix these things on my own. i don't really know whether or not total surrender is something i still have to do. i don't know if this is what i've needed. i'm sick of trying to handle life on my own by playing it safe. i've become sick of dealing with the things life has thrown me on my own. and right now i'm sick of being frustrated..........................................................
i'm sick of playing it safe.

God. you are the one who created life and the way it works. you are the one who made me and placed me in this world that you made. i'm tired of saying that i trust you when i don't really know what that means. i've not done a great job of this on my own and i'm tired of coming back again and again to say that this time it's real. i want to find that the relationship everyone talks about is real. that it's more than the words and phrases and facts i've learned about you. i want to know you like i know my friends or family. you promise to be close and to be everything i need. i'm ready to let you prove it.

strip me down to the core of who i am and begin deconstruction of the things i've tried to put in place. the selfishness that holds tight. the shallowness that acts as a lens through which i see your world. the judgement that seems to put me on a pedestal before those around me. Oh God. i don't want to slowly drift from day to day without making meaning of the time i am given. teach me about what really matters, the thing that can fill my soul, heart, lungs, body, and mind. there is more out there because i have seen the emptiness of the alternatives i tried. the silent testimony of the lives of others stands as proof that You make a difference.

christmas is a holiday about remembering the time You sent Your son to earth, to become a human. the point of his incarnation was to teach the world that there is a more fulfilling and complete life. a life past the things the world tells us to try. a life that we were made to live in. You love me that much; that You would give up your only son for me? that you would submit yourself to human bounds and live as we do? God, living like a human would? You suffered a torturous death so that i could be given another chance? teach me about that chance, about that love. transform the heart within me, that is so prone to impatience, judgement, impulsiveness, and insecurity. fill me so that i become a new person. give me a drive to do what it takes to find your heart.

What is Christmas?

why do we celebrate this holiday? why do people get a warm fuzzy feeling inside during these weeks prior to the big day? why is it that we seem closer to the ones we love this time of year? what is the real reason that all of these traditions and feelings start?

love. it is all because of love. a God who loved His creation so much that there was nothing He would not do to get close to them. modeled in His image, this creation took a wrong turn. because of that love, this God did what it took to bring them back to His embrace. He sent His son to somehow become human and live among us. this son would live as no one else could, to die as no one ever will. that death would be the ransom of all mankind; the gift of salvation was offered to every person who was ever made.

God. you made the world and saw that it was good. you sent your only Son for you are GOOD. what a wonderful Saviour. this holiday season, i pray that i would learn to really appreciate the gift you've given me. thank you for being with me this semester, and through all of my life. i'm ready to get time alone with you now that school is on break. thank you for loving me and sending your Son. i am nothing without Him.

quoted

A quote that captures the essence of thanksgiving this year:

I am unloving and yet, still loved. I am poor, and yet have everything, I am undeserving yet given more. I am walking away, and yet, still pursued. These things I'm thankful for.

S. Durham