thoughts on Lewis

faith.: "the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods...that is why faith is such a necessary virtue: unless you teach your moods 'where to get off', you can never be either a sound Christian or a sound athiest but just a creature dithering to and fro, with its beliefs really dependent on the weather and the state of its digestion."

"the first step is to recognise the fact that your moods change. the next is to make sure that, if you have once accepted Christianity, then some of its main doctrines shall be deliberately held before your mind for some time every day."

God. there is so much wisdom in these words. i don't know why i haven't seen it before but there is so much truth in this. my definition of faith, as seen in my life seems to be closely tied to how i'm feeling, how busy i am, the people i'm around, and the health i'm in. this isn't it at all. faith is knowing what i believe, no matter of the circumstances; knowing that God loves me and that He is all that i need. period. it seems so simple yet so overlooked.

and a reminder of what i know and hold as truth every day. of course. to remind my heart and mind about what's really the case; what really matters and what my relationship to God is. doing that everyday would change the way i went about those days.

"the main thing we learn from a serious attempt to practise the Christian virtues is that we fail. If there was any idea that God had set us a sort of exam and that we might get good marks by deserving them, that has to be wiped out...I think everyone who has some vague belief in God, until he becomes a Christian, has the idea of an exam. The first result of real Christianity is to blow that idea to bits...God has been waiting for the moment at which you discover that there is no question of earning a pass mark in this exam or putting Him in your debt."

God. i know this to be all too true in my life. i try to keep these "christian virtues" but it is useless. i fail every time, sooner or later. but that doesn't matter. THAT DOESN'T MATTER. you love me no matter what i do, no matter what i fail at, no matter what. your love is unconditional and it hinges not on deserving or not deserving it. it is a fact of reality.

(thank you Mr. Lewis)

What is this?

that's it. i'm done trying to fix these things on my own. i don't really know whether or not total surrender is something i still have to do. i don't know if this is what i've needed. i'm sick of trying to handle life on my own by playing it safe. i've become sick of dealing with the things life has thrown me on my own. and right now i'm sick of being frustrated..........................................................
i'm sick of playing it safe.

God. you are the one who created life and the way it works. you are the one who made me and placed me in this world that you made. i'm tired of saying that i trust you when i don't really know what that means. i've not done a great job of this on my own and i'm tired of coming back again and again to say that this time it's real. i want to find that the relationship everyone talks about is real. that it's more than the words and phrases and facts i've learned about you. i want to know you like i know my friends or family. you promise to be close and to be everything i need. i'm ready to let you prove it.

strip me down to the core of who i am and begin deconstruction of the things i've tried to put in place. the selfishness that holds tight. the shallowness that acts as a lens through which i see your world. the judgement that seems to put me on a pedestal before those around me. Oh God. i don't want to slowly drift from day to day without making meaning of the time i am given. teach me about what really matters, the thing that can fill my soul, heart, lungs, body, and mind. there is more out there because i have seen the emptiness of the alternatives i tried. the silent testimony of the lives of others stands as proof that You make a difference.

christmas is a holiday about remembering the time You sent Your son to earth, to become a human. the point of his incarnation was to teach the world that there is a more fulfilling and complete life. a life past the things the world tells us to try. a life that we were made to live in. You love me that much; that You would give up your only son for me? that you would submit yourself to human bounds and live as we do? God, living like a human would? You suffered a torturous death so that i could be given another chance? teach me about that chance, about that love. transform the heart within me, that is so prone to impatience, judgement, impulsiveness, and insecurity. fill me so that i become a new person. give me a drive to do what it takes to find your heart.

What is Christmas?

why do we celebrate this holiday? why do people get a warm fuzzy feeling inside during these weeks prior to the big day? why is it that we seem closer to the ones we love this time of year? what is the real reason that all of these traditions and feelings start?

love. it is all because of love. a God who loved His creation so much that there was nothing He would not do to get close to them. modeled in His image, this creation took a wrong turn. because of that love, this God did what it took to bring them back to His embrace. He sent His son to somehow become human and live among us. this son would live as no one else could, to die as no one ever will. that death would be the ransom of all mankind; the gift of salvation was offered to every person who was ever made.

God. you made the world and saw that it was good. you sent your only Son for you are GOOD. what a wonderful Saviour. this holiday season, i pray that i would learn to really appreciate the gift you've given me. thank you for being with me this semester, and through all of my life. i'm ready to get time alone with you now that school is on break. thank you for loving me and sending your Son. i am nothing without Him.

quoted

A quote that captures the essence of thanksgiving this year:

I am unloving and yet, still loved. I am poor, and yet have everything, I am undeserving yet given more. I am walking away, and yet, still pursued. These things I'm thankful for.

S. Durham

thoughts through lyrics

"you made the stars in the sky, and you taught the sun to rise."

"lord of heaven and earth"

"here is love, vast as the ocean, loving kindness as the sea."

"who am i, that you are mindful of me?"

"he is jealous for me, love's like a hurricane, i am a tree"

"i believe that you're my portion, i believe that you are all i need."

God is God. a being that IS power. it is this power that formed the stars and the moon. He thought up the existence of antelopes. He is the one who causes all of the molecules and atoms in physical matter to hold together. the earth is completely dependent on Him. without His hand, we can do nothing. we live because He allows us to.

yet this same God is one to whom the psalmist sings: "O God, you are my God; I earnestly search for you. My soul thirsts for you; my whole body longs for you in this parched and weary land where there is no water." he says that God alone is his God and he is hard at work looking for God. nothing else satisfies the longing in his heart; nothing completes the hole inside him other than this God, who is water in a "parched and weary land."

this mystery of the God of the universe being close and wanting a personal relationship with us is hard to grasp. i can't wrap my mind around that idea. yet the fact remains, understood or not. this alone is what will satisfy us through our whole lives. no matter the situation or circumstance, God is there and remains unchanging.

God. you are my God and I will ever seek you. i will seek you in the morning and i will learn to walk in your ways. step by step you lead me, and i will follow you all of my days. thank you for transforming me, even when it's small and i can't feel it. you are my hope. you are my life. you are my God.

this i believe

This I believe that God is faithful. Simple sounding, I know but it is one of the most amazing truths of reality that I think too many people miss. This I believe, that if we could become more familiar with God’s faithfulness to us, and really know it down in the core of who we are, then it would change the way we live our lives. It is essential to know our theology of God, also something I believe, and God’s faithfulness is a good place to start.

In the darkest night, the heaviest burdens, the most hopeless situations, your worst fears come true, God is faithful. When a girl of twelve loses her father to some other woman more appealing than her mother, God is faithful. When a family is uprooted from their way of life and put into a different world, of sorts, God is faithful. When cancer comes out of nowhere and aggressively takes a teenager’s body by the throat, God is faithful. When another bright-eyed teenager has his hopes and plans dashed to pieces in the midst of doubts and questions, God is faithful.

These things are not necessarily ones to make you sing, “Great is thy faithfulness, Oh God my Father.” However, if we could sit down with each of these people, the first thing they would tell you, as they’ve told me, is that God is indeed faithful. Of course, in light of their circumstances, they would have to explain why they can say that with the experiences they’ve had. Unfortunately they can’t all be here to explain their stories, but I’ll try to recount a few of them.

First of all, God is faithful. There are hundreds of references, stories, and metaphors in the bible that attest to God’s faithfulness, and they are completely true and very reassuring but this I believe, that personal testimony from people around you, can be more convincing of what God has done; to hear it in someone’s own words and hear the conviction and passion in their voices.

God is a God that has no bounds, and is personal to each person on earth. His faithfulness is something that shows up in different ways yet is always the same. His presence is with us through whatever circumstances we come to in life, good or bad. It is easy to say that God is with us when things go well, or when things are in our favor. It is easy to say that God is here when His blessings abound. However, the true test, is when things do not go as planned, when things don’t turn out nicely, when we are hurt or forgotten, when life won’t give us a break. God is still faithful then.

hollow shell

where do we get our satisfaction from? what things do we fit into our lives to bring us "happiness?" it feels like i've been learning, the hard way, that i cannot be filled by anything in this life. God is showing me how i've been designed to be empty without Him. it's funny how things that people get excited about don't bring fulfillment. there is a longing for more in the midst of these things.

If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.

- C.S. Lewis

i think i'm growing and learning. or at least i hope so.

heart follows hand

It's not what we do but who we are that matters in the end. It can be easy to play a part by doing all the things necessary to fill the role, but to actually be that way on the inside is what matters. We can say that we believe in certain things, and perhaps act on them, but they aren't really part of who we are until they take root in our hearts; in the core of who we are.

Do we support social justice causes because we think that it's a good idea? Or because we have been caught up in the trend toward getting involved? Shouldn't it really come from a deep-seeded compassion for the plight of the disadvantaged?

Are guys chivalrous because we want to be seen as "a great guy?" Or because it's something that girls admire? Shouldn't it come from a perspective that all women deserve respect and honor?

Do we pray and read our bible because we're expected to? Or because we find a quick fix of peace or comfort? Shouldn't it be because that is a way to communicate to the God of the Universe who loves us beyond our wildest dreams?

I'm not writing this out of agitation with others. That's not the angle I'm getting at. What I really want to check on is where my heart lies. Am I doing the things I am because I care for those things, or is it coming from the influence of others? Am I living my life the way I am because God asks me to do so, or is it just obedience to a system or social construct?

Christ called out the Pharisees for living religiously on the outside alone. They were "white washed tombs." They did all the right things on the outside but their hearts weren't behind their actions.

God. Help me to take a hard look at this. to live intentionally because i believe in the things i do. help me to live with purpose, and not to follow or do things because i've been told to. help me to examine my actions. and the motivations behind those actions.

thoughts on a saturday morning

where do we get our self worth? where does our sense of fulfillment and acceptance come from? where do we feel at home, or most comfortable? what do we do to find peace of mind? what do we look to to validate us?

i know the Sunday School answer should be "Jesus!" but is it really? can i look at my own life and genuinely say,from the core of who i am, that Jesus is the answer to all these things? is His love the only one that really matters? is His opinion of me the only one that really matters? is His love for me what gives me worth and validation? or is it the way i look, the friends i have, the music i listen to, the things i know, the shape i'm in; the list could go on and on.

i don't know about this.

i don't understand

God's love. it's been something i've been mulling over lately, and i keep coming back to how important that it is, and how far i am from understanding it. first of all, check these pictures out: this first one, to the right is of three galaxies that are about to collide. they have a gravitational force that brings them towards each other and they'll eventually explode. yeah.

here's another one only after an explosion; it's top right:

it's a supernova that has just burned out and right before it's life ended, it exploded into miles upon miles of gasses that fill up space around it. all of the different colors are different types of gas emitted by the explosion.

and one last one:

this is a picture of Old Faithful at Yellowstone, with a full moon shining behind the steam emitted by the geyser, making a halo of sorts around the gas.

now all of these things are cool to look at but i got to thinking the other day. we have only recently, (in the last 100 years) found the technology to look at space and see the many galaxies, stars, nebulae, and planets. that means that for 3.8 to 4.5 BILLION years, depending on who you ask, all of this remained unseen to anyone except God. why? why would He make so much that He knew would be unknown to humanity for a huge portion of history. is it love?

i've also been thinking alot about people and the relationships we have with each other. i know that i can try and try to live the life God wants me to; to love Him first and foremost over anything, to love others genuinely and from my heart, to not get caught up in the things of this world, and to seek His will on all i do. in theory, it doesn't sound that hard. but theory is not reality. there is a piece of me, so deeply rooted that i feel it's part of me, that makes this life impossible. i am imperfect and because of that, i come up of His standard again, and again, and again. yet He still loves me.

what? he still loves me? even when i arrogantly judge my classmate? even when i don't make time for Him but will make time for hanging with friends, or for working on homework, or for working out? he still loves me even when i get self-righteous and think i've handled it?

Romans 8 .38- ' And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow-not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below-indeed, nothing in al creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.'

God. keep agitating this idea of your love. i want to know more about it, and to see how it all fits into my life. please give me the desire to pour over the scriptures and find out how your love affected those you taught, and how it can affect me. transform my heart as i realize the fact that you love me enough to do all, and more, just for me. 'for You, i sing, i dance. i rejoice in this divine romance.'

things are looking up

i can feel things settling down and changing for the better. God is moving and calling in more ways than one. i hope i can get caught up in that call and be enveloped in the love that i'll find there. here's hoping.

quoted

"Confronted with their true selves, most men run away screaming."
-Neverending Story.

thoughts?

wholehearted

so i was catching up on some reading that i had to get done the other day and came across this word: wholehearted.
for some reason it made me pause and think. what does it mean? i don't usually stop to wonder at the definition of every word but this one just caught my attention. of course we've all heard it before but i couldn't remember what it really meant; ya know, one of those words people throw around and it may seem obvious to define. but i wanted to take a look anyway. here:

wholehearted:
1: completely and sincerely devoted, determined, or enthusiastic wholehearted student of social problems
2 : marked by complete earnest commitment : free from all reserve or hesitation wholehearted approval

it got me thinking. (maybe i just had too much time on my hands). am i completely, one hundred percent devoted to anything? not staying in shape because i don't hit the gym every day. not eating a perfectly balanced diet because i have a sweet tooth and it can get the better of me every now and then. not music because, as much as i'd like to, i can't make myself practice all the time. the list can go on and on.
i think, though, that everyone should try to be wholehearted about at least one thing in their life; whether it's a commitment to academics, or your job, or a friendship, or a sports team; the possibilities are endless.
of course there is one thing that we should all be wholehearted about: our faith. to avoid hypocrisy.
(if only it was that easy)

looking ahead

the past week and change have been interesting for me. alot has changed and things are beginning to shape up here on campus differently than i could have imagined.
being on a new hall is, well, new. the guys here have relationships with each other that have a year on the relationships i have with them. the friends i hung out with last year are seeming to move on to different groups. my future as a psych major is just starting and it's exiting to look at the options that are available.
in the midst of all this, there is an uncertainty about things. i feel on edge and wish that things could go back to the way they were. i found myself questioning what will come next; what i'm supposed to do now.

David's words ring true: "My life constantly hangs in the balance, but I will not stop obeying your instructions."
" Your laws are my treasure, they are my heart's delight. I am determined to keep your decrees to the very end."
"Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path. I've promised it once, and I'll promise
it again: I will obey your righteous regulations."

Psalm 119.105-112

in the midst of all this, whether i feel good about the situation i'm in or whether things seem to make sense, or whether i am sad, God asks me to continue to live as He's called me to: to be focused on Him and to work towards making His heart my own.

Father. teach me to love and live for you alone. may the words of my mouth and the thoughts, goals, dreams and meditations of my heart be pleasing to You. thank you for loving me and giving your son over to death to save me from death.

love

You are the hand that catches my fall
You are the friend that answers my call
You are my day, You are my night
You are my love and all of my life

You are the love I need
You are the air I breathe
You are my love my life always forever
I would lay down my life
Just to be by Your side
You are my love my life always forever

You are the grace that covers my sin
You’re everything the beginning and end
You have my soul, my heart and my mind
You have my love and all of my life

hallelujah hallelujah
always forever

hope springs eternal

why are things the way they are? why were we born in such a place as this?
i watched slumdog again tonight and for some reason i got to thinking afterwards about how blessed i am; and how desperate the situation is over in India. after chewing on that a while, i've gotten to thinking about why God put me here in America, rather than in a poor slum like those in the movie. why do i deserve to sit by lamplight and write from this perspective, from this end of things? why has God put me in this circumstance rather than another?

i also got to thinking; is this the worst the world has ever been? are we tearing ourselves apart? from the sun-scorched countries in Africa ravaged by AIDS, to the slums of India where a quarter of the world's population lives, mostly under the poverty level, to the countries oppressed by corruption and injustice, to our own nation, where morality is becoming a subjective topic and we are growing increasingly cold; where will it end?

is there hope for our generation? for the world? what will surround our lives in the future?

and yet:
" I will sing of the Lord's unfailing love forever! Young and old will hear of your faithfulness. Your unfailing love will last forever, Your faithfulness is as enduring as the heavens." (psalm 89.1-2)

God. You've blessed me and i don't know why. however, the fact still remains. help me to bless others through your blessing. give me hope for our world and remind me that all things are in Your control.

endless summer?

busy. it's something that summer lends itself to but in the business, i've found that there's alot i'm experiencing (naturally), and learning. in the last week, i've had friends break off relationships, people express their immaturity, acquaintances make profound statements, and a God who has revealed some things that i know i need to grow into.

i wish that the summer would last...longer. not forever, because there is a time and season for everything and school is something i miss. but i do wish that the laid back, easy pace of things would stick around a while. i want more time to just do what i want; to have the time to spend an hour or two in the word, to have time to nap off a late night before, to have time to spend all day in the surf. whatever. hmm.

what's the point?

so i just spent the day in HB, at the US Open of surfing. it was awesome; surf all day of course but there were two skateparks set up, hundreds of vendors and exhibitions from surf companies, clothing companies, car companies and any other company you can think of. and the people..man oh man were there alot of people. i over heard one lady say "i feel like i'm playing frogger" as she tried to walk across a sidewalk. it was an awesome day.

but now that i look at it, i see that there was so much emptiness there. people were trying with all their might to show off to those around them; whether it be with their bodies, their talents, their money, their cars; whatever would grab people's attention. if this is what people are so set on achieving, what's the point? if you have the most toned body, the most money, the best cars, the most talent and skill; what then? is life complete? does that person win at this game of life?
i don't think so. there is a hole inside of us that society has long tried to fill. and you'd think that we'd get the picture after hundreds of years of failure; the hole isn't filled with what we try to put in it. to strive after things like that just leaves you wanting. i found this out the hard way with a relationship i tried to force in that hole.

God designed us and wrote out the blueprints for our life. before the fall, we had communion with Him but now we have this hole that makes us incomplete. to be complete, we need Christ. He fits that missing part of us perfectly because He is what makes us whole. i'm still learning the significance of this and how deep it goes, but i think God's on to something by working this into me. hopefully i can really mean it when i say God is all i need.

precaution and awareness

aware. it's something i've become more of these past two weeks. as i've started work at the gym i get to see lots of people from many walks of life. most of those i see are so wrapped up in their appearance it almost leaves a bad taste in my mouth. some people seem to live at that place, coming every day for hours on end; lifting, straining, puffing, and grunting as they make their bodies into the shapes they want. alot of them seem consumed by having the best look they can, or by having the most strength they can. from trainers to trainees, it seems to be a mindset caught like a disease might be.

in working around all of this, the disease seems to be creeping into me too. i see all of these guys that are so big and look to how i can be a little more like them. i see people who have perfect form and realize that with a little work, i can have it too.

but in taking a step back and giving this a hard look i see that life's not ruled by how you look. devoting so much time in how one appears on the outside is meaningless, whether i believe it or not. a person can look amazing, be perfectly toned or cut, have the strength of ten men, or be able to lift anything in sight but that's only surface deep. inside is a completely different story; the one that really matters.

the same goes with materialism. posessions mostly. i have a desire in me to have nice things; clothes, music, cars, whatever it might be. being around people who have these things makes it that much worse. i appreciate these things and want to have my own. but again, this is meaningless, whether i believe it right now or not. there is always going to be nice things out there that will be enticing but the real matter is what's underneath; inside the person.

you can have all the strength, looks, or possessions in the world and be empty inside. we all look for meaning in life, and depending on where you find it, you will either be satisfied or still searching to be so. i see it in the people around me; those people at the gym who are the fittest seem to be the most lost. the ones who have the nicest things seem to be so wrapped up in them that they cannot think/live beyond them. i hope that my attitude, rather than assimilating with what i'm around, changes to see the truth through all this.

Lewis quoted

"Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man.”

say what you mean and mean what you say

i was thinking. how many of us really mean what we say? of course, all of us want to think that in conversation we mean what we say, but if we really look at it, is it true?
here's an example: you're talking with a friend who's about to leave for a big trip. you say goodbye and that you hope they have a great time. what do we mean by that? it hit me that in saying something like that, we are showing that we care for the person, and for their sake and..well being i guess, we want them to be happy and enjoy their time.
another example: a friend tells you about a death in their family and the first thing out of your mouth is to say 'oh, i'm so sorry!' in looking at the meaning behind this, again, you care for the person and recognize that they must be dealing with alot of grief because of their loss. anyone who goes through an experience like that needs, at least a little, consolation; which is why you offer condolences.

my point is this: how often do we go around saying things because it is natural, or socially expected, without really meaning it? i want to be the kind of person who says things and actually means them. i'm not saying that thisis something i'm not; it's just something i want to work on.

mmm

found another instrumental band that i'm diggin right now. they're called sleepmakeswaves (yes it's one word), out of Australia. pretty small and new to the music scene but their stuff is good nonetheless. they're a bit more edgy than This Will Destroy You, but not untatsefully so. if you have a minute, go and check em out

on surfing

i've realized that one of the things that brings me joy and a greater appreciation for God is surfing. this summer, as i've had alot more time on my hands than i had planned, surfing has been something i've turned to to keep me busy.

something just feels right about diving into the surf on my board and feeling the shock of the water as it washes over me. the salt mixes with the air as the water sprays over the nose. it's one of the best feelings to get a face-full of water as you paddle through the first waves. it wakes me up and i feel more alive.

then comes the wait: watching the horizon for sign of a swell that will eventually turn into a wave. the ocean extends as far as the eye can see and meets the sky. most mornings, it's overcast so the water has a deep gray color to it. white crests form as a wave moves towards the beach and there is movement in the water as other surfers shift to get in position.

i never seem to get tired of it. the rides may be short and the waves form-less, but i keep coming back, hoping to find a break that is calling to be ridden. i can't wait to go out again.
more on this to come.

musings on community

through today i've seen some of what i never thought i would. a marriage between a man and woman that is still together for God knows why. a father who is not superman, and deals with pain and scars just like everyone does. a man who cannot control himself and knows what he does hurts those around him. a woman who cannot seem to let people get to her heart, wrapping herself around stories and ankle-deep relationships.

what is wrong with us, that we have so twisted what God intended for good? why does it have to be this way? i see examples around me that prove that it doesn't but my reality begs to differ. i am beginning to realize that we as humans were designed to be in relationship and community with each other; it gives us more of a completeness and integrity that we desperately need.

"no man is an island." whoever said that was right on the money.

hmmm

where has the semester gone?
three weeks away from being done. what the heck? freshmen year of college is almost finished. hmmm. not sure how i feel about this

lyrics again

I'm the desperate
And you're the savior
There's been something else
Talkin' in my ear
Someone save me
When I Speak It begins to decay
I'm not about to bury myself
Oh, God! My hands are shaking again
Calm down! Now I can't feel the floor
And my vision takes it's toll on me

Oh, God! It's racing through my veins
I'm afraid there must be some kinda mistake
Oh, I'm in over my head again
reach in and grab a hold of me
I'm so scared that I've started to slip
They say that I'll never change
I'll prove them wrong
It's over
I hear the calling but its passing through
Clean me up show me how to live
Tear me down
Let me start again

it's something i'm prone to; letting mistakes get to me. God is faithful and forgives. this should be kept in mind. however, God doesn't appreciate empty promises towards change. i hope that i don't make any more of those.

New Music

This Will Destroy You- A band that has been shown to me by some friends that I love, and it's only been a couple of hours since I got their music. Much in the same style as Explosions, they are an instrumental band with songs that match minute by minute (most songs are over six minutes), epic chords leading to softness and calm leading to building melodies. the drums are more raw and pronounced than that of explosions; maybe that's one of the reasons i'm so into these guys. check em out.

what do you go home to?

who are we, and what is it that we are striving for? have we succumbed to what the world around us whispers?
i was thinking tonight about the situation that i'm in right now; and it hit me that i am living out my life. in a sense, it is mine to shape and steer; mine to enjoy and live out fully.
am i who i want to be? what are the things that i want to do with my life, that i let culture or the people around me alter? am i just doing what seems cool, because that's what everyone does, or am i doing things because i want to do them? what is motivating my investments of time and energy?

it seems like these days, people work at being uniquely alike. putting energy into being a part of a social scene, part of an activist group, part of a circle of common political views. personal interests are pushed aside; you have to be doing what everyone else is doing. it is to the point now that many people don't even know what they really want; deep down inside they have lost the passion for the things hoped for as children.

1 corinthians 12.12-17. God has made us unique and that includes the passions and interests as much as our physical or mental or spiritual attributes. we cannot try to assimilate to the crowds around us. it is what we enjoy and pursue that makes us who we are.

the future?

i was looking through car inventories this morning, (bored) and stumbled across this. It's Honda's new model, called the FCX Clarity. Running entirely on hydrogen fuel cells, it converts the hydrogen to electricity, which runs the engine. It is entirely environmentally friendly; it emits only water.
It's so new that Honda has only released two hundred of these on the market, and only in Santa Monica and Irvine, the only places that have hydrogen refueling stations. the way that refueling works is that hydrogen is sold in kilograms. a kilogram of hydrogen is right now priced at five dollars. So not too much different than a gallon of gas. The mileage that these cars get is much better than gas cars though.

The price of one of these cutting edge driving machines? A modest $2 million and it could be yours. Maybe time will tell, and everyone will be driving these. Until then, all I can do is hope.

longing to lead

i want to be leading. encouraging. to be pushing towards what i know to be truth. something that should come easy. if it's what i carry inside, it should come out easily. but it doesn't.
what do i do? do i abandon this, like a long project that seems to take more work than originally thought? no, that's not what i want. but i don't know how to break through and spark change. treading on this path with light feet and a hopeful heart; i want to see something change. movement towards what's best.
God give me wisdom. God i need you. BE in this situation

active

self control seems to be something that is lacking in today's culture. looking around at society, we're told to indulge in whatever we want; as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, we are given the green light. drink if you want, just don't kill anyone driving drunk. have sex as much as you want, just don't give anyone std's. work at what you want, as long as you don't injure anyone in the process. just because we have the freedom to do something doesn't mean we ought to do it.

this is common sense: i have the ability to buy a gun and shoot someone, i have the ability to eat whatever i want and as much as i want, i have the ability to steal things from shops..the list could go on and on. self control is something that we use everyday; it is what keeps us, in a sense, from doing these things. yet self control is on the defensive. people today can't seem to restrain themselves and are now paying the consequences. the economy is in shambles because people couldn't control their spending habits, abortion is on the rise because couples couldn't learn when enough is enough, teenage drinking is at an all time high because we haven't learned to control ourselves.

i want to learn to control myself. to let God direct me, rather than my every impulse or whim. to be able to look ahead and see the consequences of my choices.
Proverbs 25:28

he is

just
merciful
faithful
loving
involved
concerned
forgiving
wisdom
incomprehensible
powerful
eternal
unchanging
available
instructing
unmatched
all-encompasing
everywhere
creative
generous
amazing
elohim
father
hope
friend
approachable
mysterious
in control

these are just some of the things that God has been through time; in my life and in the lives of others. it does not matter the situation or circumstances; he is all of these things eternally. each one of these holds individual significance and gives me more and more reason to trust Him.

Have some Heart

so i'm starting to learn that all of who we are comes down to the heart. the things that we find interesting, the types of people that intrigue us, the things that get under our skin. when someone cuts us off in traffic, we respond from our hearts. when we hear of or see tragedy oversees and feel empathy, that comes from the heart. all the things that we think hold some sort of value have root in our hearts. the things that our hearts hold to are the things that steer us through life.
so it's only natural that it's our hearts that God is after. not the emotion or the intellect but the heart.
He gives an idea of the kind of heart He's after in His word:
Luke 5:32 "I have come not for those who think they are righteous, but for those who know they are sinners and need to repent"-a humble heart
Luke 6:44-45 " A tree is identified by it's fruit..A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart."

we have to "guard our hearts, for it is the well spring of life" because the things that we hold to determine what type of "fruit tree" we will be. doing this on our own isn't an option because we are naturally bent toward evil. it is God who must do the changing. may it be so.

wavering

there are times when i get so confused. my mind plays games and my emotions play along. there aren't any solutions to the problem; at least none that i can see. is it part of the growing process to let sense take control and steer through these things?
it's hard to see the forest through the trees from here. things get in the way that are distracting and seem so momentarily overwhelming. is there an easy solution to this? a cure for this? do i even want the cure?

more lyrics.

well, i've got a will but i want yours
i've got a growing heap of crosses and burdens
i've simply lost heart to shoulder
simply no strength to lift
i've always been a man in need
'cause i keep stepping in and out of the shadow

caught by the drift and pitch of whatever it is
that keeps me coming back
i want out
'cause i'm getting sick
sick from all this swerving
driver, sick from turning on you

someone show me a hole in this cycle
show me the way away and i'm coming back
the way i came
no! i've seen this place before
surely this is no place for the light of this world

oh how sweet the sound
i know it saved but is it changing a wretch like me
oh my God how sweet is the sound
i once was blind but now i just look away

my bride, i don't want to know what i'd be without
forgiveness brushing these adulterous lips

here are the lyrics to a song that struck me recently as i listened:

I trust in you for life to live, and air to breath.
Purity fills my lungs.
I no longer live in solitude.
No longer bound.
My heart beats with great devotion.
This is the start to a new beginning.
On my knees praying for mercy.
Hands raised high, humble and broken. Wanting your grace.
Wanting your security.
Memories of laying facedown, motionless, with such a hollow feeling inside.
Soon I would end this life I was living.
I am just a man with a heart and sinful hands.
I am a fallen victim.
Lord, show me the way. I ask of you Father, let my words be your words.
Let my thoughts be your thoughts.
To you, I give my praise.
Show me the way. Take me in your arms. Never let me go.
Lord, show me the way, as I give myself to you.
Never let me go.
Hold me with your everlasting love.


i'm getting the feeling that the life that i've known so far in life has been more shallow and empty than it was ever intended to be. the things that defined my life are becoming more and more empty: popularity. money. a "successful career." "happiness." i let these things shape how i go through life.
God is beginning to show me that there is a life that He designed that is so much more fulfilling. there is a relationship to be had with Him that will be more engaging, more satisfying, more completing, than anything here on earth.
if only it was easy to develop.

Lord, show me the way, as I give myself to you.
Never let me go.
Hold me with your everlasting love.